Rant: depression is an illness, not a personal failing

Today a bad thing happened. An administrative error led to me being called and told I’d been evicted.

I’ll say it right here: I’m fragile right now. I don’t think anybody would find it easy to handle that kind of sudden and frightening phone call, but I wasn’t best placed to deal with it at all.

As shaky as hell, I happened to mention it on Twitter. A lot of people sent wonderful feedback. I said I couldn’t face the gym (I was shaking, physically, as I recovered), but somebody told me I should go because I shouldn’t let a setback get in the way of my daily life or my positive goals.

Um, actually, I’m calling bullshit on that one.

Possibly facing eviction is not a setback. It’s the loss of a home and it has huge emotional consequences. It would be extremely emotionally unhealthy to pretend those emotions aren’t there, to pretend to carry on as normal as though it hadn’t happened, without going through a process of recovery.

I know this to be true because I’ve spent all my life up until now pretending everything is OK when it’s not.

Yes, ‘positive thinking’ is reportedly healthier, leads to longer lifetimes and generally happier lifestyles. But not if you have to crush down how you’re really feeling.

Because if you do it for long enough, one day all that pent up ‘negativity’ will come back and very soundly bite you on the ass. Like it did to me. I sucked it up and spent years in a career that I hated for the sake of other people. I crushed down what I wanted in life for the sake of what other people told me was right and sensible. I was told that “everybody has to do jobs they hate” so I felt guilty for wanting anything else in life.

Then I had a total nervous breakdown.

I reached the point where actually, it would probably be emotionally healthier for me to be evicted and spend time being homeless than back in that situation. Even during the breakdown I grinned and smiled and said I was fine. So it lasted several months longer than it needed to.

If I have one life lesson I need to learn while I’m here on this planet as me, it’s to accept myself as I am, not try to conform to what others want.

And this is the nub of the issue: all that positive thinking is dangerous if you have depression. Because you’re being told that how you feel isn’t valid or acceptable, and you’re probably already feeling shoddy, your self-esteem is low (because that’s part of what depression is), so you feel worse than ever.

Depression is not a personal failing.

It might be because of chemical imbalances in the brain, it might be caused by the way you learned to look at life from your parents or caregivers. But it sure as hell isn’t a “pity party” and it doesn’t make you less of a human being because you can’t think happy thoughts all the time.

Six years ago I walked away from anorexia by myself, with no help from doctors or medication. I thought that the route to a happy life was to pretend to be happy, that everything was OK, all the time. If I could get rid of my negative thoughts, if I could get rid of the pain and hurt that was obviously such a failing in me and holding me back, then wow! I’d have the life of my dreams.

Well, that’s a total crock of shit.

You know what creates a life of happiness?

It’s accepting yourself for who you are. It’s not feeling like you have to pretend you’re OK when you’re not. It’s being able to feel like a valid human being even when you’re broken, broke and facing the worst crisis of your life. It’s giving yourself the right to cry, be shocked, hurt and to need comfort. It’s caring about yourself enough that you take a duvet day when you need one, that you let yourself break down when you need to. And that you ask for what you need, when you need it.

So today, I didn’t go to my workout classes. I survived my appointment in the afternoon, and then when I came home, I did what I really wanted to do. I curled up in bed, sat in meditation pose, and watched a Big Mind DVD. I called a friend and asked to meet up tonight. I let myself feel shattered, shell-shocked and very baffled.

And I felt better. I gave myself time to really feel and recover from the effects of the morning, and showed myself a little respect. And I think that, more than any positivity bull, is better for all of us.