I’ve been avoiding Reverb11. Or at least, I haven’t paid it much attention since I finished Reverb10 on my Zen blog and decided that I had very mixed feelings about it. I certainly wasn’t sure how to answer the last prompt, but I’ve decided to have a go at this one, since it feels relevant.
I feel as though I’ve been in a seedling state for the last two years, and being asked about blossoming now is suddenly very appropriate. I had no idea when I broke down back in late 2009 that it would take this long to recover, but then it’s taken almost this long to work out why it happened in the first place.
The year began with a few new routines, and a solid burst of hardcore exercise focus. I hadn’t been swimming in seven years, and suddenly I was in the pool for an hour, three or four times a week, as well as running and weight training. Alongside it, I got more involved in Skeptics in Manchester, and both have been the foundation for something bigger.
At the end of last month I decided to put The Inheritor on the Kindle, because Smashwords wouldn’t do it, and this month has seen a steady improvement that really does feel like blossoming, at last. Perhaps it’s just a few buds at this stage, but it’s definitely progress.
This time last year I could barely leave the house and couldn’t speak to anybody. I still experience an awful lot of anxiety, but that’s probably because I spend a lot of my time doing things that tend to set it off, rather than hiding and letting it rule my life.
I have a few specific things still to get over, things that I hate to admit have obviously traumatised me to the point where I have to go back over them, and come to terms with before I can move on. It’s a daily process, which can be tough at times, but worth it.
I’ve also managed to finish The Expulsion, which has been hanging over my head since last year, and get started on The Excision, the final book in the Execution trilogy. Although I’ve been able to write in bursts before, until the last couple of weeks, it wasn’t solid or consistent, and I felt painfully detached from Amnar.
It is very tiring, but I’m encouraged by the way things are changing, sometimes on a daily basis, in a way that I can appreciate. In the dark days of last year it felt like all of this would take forever, or I might end up trapped in my own head for the rest of my life, but time has proved that’s obviously not the case.
It feels like a long ride, and I’ve only really started now. I’m enjoying the sunshine and the feeling that I’m actually able to do things and make things happen without breaking myself. Just a few buds, but important ones.